I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…