The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
the last thing a carrot sees
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat