trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You Might Also Like
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake