Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Wife: … no
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!
Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.