Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.