When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.