Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.