Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward