if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Cashiers are always checking me out
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load