China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
You Might Also Like
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
you stereotypes are all alike
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home