*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?