Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night