The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”