Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.