Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”