Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
The Birdles
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
#Caturday
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader