What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My beach vacation Google searches
Here’s a meme
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that