i will avenge u mr van gogh
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
#TopTip
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
sir, my pâté if you please
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“OMGJK” -atheists
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.