@xLiserx: People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
@xLiserx: So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?
@xLiserx: I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
@xLiserx: Sometimes, when he's really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
@xLiserx: Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
@xLiserx: If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
@xLiserx: I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
@xLiserx: Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don't serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.