@xLiserx

Spider-Man wasn’t bitten by a radioactive anything. He’s just really sticky, you guys.

@xLiserx

NY has Spider-Man, Dr Strange, The Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Daredevil, Captain America…
Did no one view the crime stats & weather in FL?

@xLiserx

Spider-Man’s true arch nemesis should be a shrieking lady wielding a stiletto.

@xLiserx

Someone asked me which celebrity I’d most like to spend the day with and I said Paddington Bear and now I eat alone in the break room.

@xLiserx

I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.

@xLiserx

Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.

@xLiserx

If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

@xLiserx

People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

@xLiserx

So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?