I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.
Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.
If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.
Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.
People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.