Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?