“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”