When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
my sentiments exactly
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*