Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.