No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.