I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.