7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.