Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.