Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷