My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
can’t bark with your mouth full
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.