The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Morning.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
…żyje?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.