Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.