Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”