ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]


[at a bar]

me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal

girl: no

me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building


interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]


[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad