A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?