me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Those are good neighbors.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Has there ever been a more American story?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.