Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
when there are deer in the woods
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
it is time once again
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]