[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating