cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone