[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me My dog
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
every single time
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong