[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you