Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?