MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”