If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened