Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.