If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too