remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope