“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Hero horse inspires millions
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot