Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
don’t be scared
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
There are no pants in heaven.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat