I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something