Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
