[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we